So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
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