someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
kicked my backpack and turned on my vibrator in the middle of class. success.
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize
