my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Randomize