My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
For those pictures, I will suffer this headache.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
Is it possibile to sprain your taint?
She was that bad?
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
I wonder if go pro can customize a cock ring so I don't have to hold the camera anymore
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
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