In regards to your tweet: as its been said on all of those posters on ffffound: keep calm and carry on
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
She rubs her butt on the bed & then she growls..
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
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