She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
Randomize
