he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
Our motto for the night: BLACK OUT OR BACK OUT.
That's our motto every night.
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
Hope you are okay. You were running down the street with shopping cart at one point and yelling "bitches aint shit!"
Randomize
