Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
i know it happened because it happened right beside me, and at one point on top of me.
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
Randomize
