you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
if she leaves who will i have to secretly talk about behind thier back
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
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