Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
I don't remember. I remember laying in the trunk of a car. For hours.
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
Randomize
