I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
you don't understand, he speaks spanish and is tall. i have to do him.
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
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