John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
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