I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
We left the knife in your bed.
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
Randomize
