So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
it hasn't hit me that college is over yet. so far at home, i haven't brushed my teeth, taken off my makeup, or changed clothes before bed.
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
It was actually pretty good. His cock is as fat as the rest of him and I took out my contacts so I couldn't see him clearly.
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
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