I hraet yuo
did you say you heart me or hate me?
who is this?
You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
It was like giving head to a cactus.
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
Randomize
