I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
Whatever, its basically a crime against humanity to miss an andre power hour so she'll get what's coming to her.
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
Randomize
