I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
one word: firstdatebathroomanal
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
Both our collective sex appeal dies once someone cums on a snuggie kayla
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
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