Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
Birthday Treasure Hunt was to follow the clues. At each spot there was a stick on tattoo and a shot and at the end there was 2 cases of beer. I have 13 tattoos and don't remember turning 18.
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
Randomize
