I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
Randomize
