Don't come here someone got drunk and rolled the keg to buger king. no more beeer
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
He was actually able to throw up in the bucket from the top bunk. im impressed.
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
i believe in u and ur pee
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