Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
On a positive note, new entry in my phone as 'HOT ASS, DOWN TO FUCK'. idk if its a boy or girl tho.
Update, its a couple
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
And I hope you're not misinterpreting us fucking as me trying to win you back. The sex is good and girls have needs.
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
