fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
They just showed up to the party with a shopping cart full stolen of naty ice cans, no boxes, just cans. Shit just got real !
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
Randomize
