so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
he sent her a picture of his penis to show that he "trusts her" or some shit like that..well she showed it to me, and let me just tell you..it looked like a freaking slug or something. creepiest penis i've ever seen. hands down
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
So many stories. To uyou are sober. I heart you though. Jesus. Dirrty dancing jusyt came oine!!no. Lie.
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
Randomize
