Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
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