Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
Randomize
