I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
I just sucked dick on a ferry
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
Randomize
