you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
Like he was cock blocking and it usually takes ten cocks to block this cock
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
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