God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
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I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
It's official cum is not a great leave in conditioner
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