Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
She really thought E.D. was a sexually position.
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
Dude she threw his clothes out n 8th floor window and her dog tried to bite his dick off. So the answer is yes it could be worse...
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize
