My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
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