I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
Changed my mind. Wearing a dress. Casual, with a side of breasts.
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
Why did this happen to me why did I have to meet him if I could go back in time I never would have grabbed his dick
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
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