Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
how early is too early to start drinking over the gilmore girls revival
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
Randomize
