Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
Nope changed our mind. Decided your strange bacon like body odor wasn't what we want to smell tonight.
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
Dude she pregamed for her sorority's philanthropy.
The worst thing about it is now I have to find someone else to fuck in the library.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
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