Nice. Sry i missed. Also sorry that i pissed on my toothbrush last nite
Sink seemed easy target but balance was no good
Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
You have dresses for different occasions. I need different men's dicks too. It's logic.
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
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