false alarm. still invincible.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
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