I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
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