My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
See it, we're so close, i smell your vagisil
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
So here I am, sexting at work.
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
Randomize
