So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
Randomize
