I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
Gentlemen...shes not going to tie her self to the table...
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
We've cranked the heat for blizzard versions of all of our strip games. Come over.
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
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