Is this going to be a big send off or a somber occasion? Just need to know if I should start drinking on the train or not.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
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