put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
the world took limewire and four lokos away from me in one week....hello depression
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
Randomize
