My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
If you make 120 dollars and I walk instd of drive and don't eat or smoke this week we can pay rent
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
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