Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
True enough. Do you ever think that these girls grandparents ghosts are watching you masterbate to their granddaughters and look at you in Shame?
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
Randomize
