We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
You coming bye my yot got egg sweet carilne vodklaa
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
Definitely! I will do that this week. Right now, watching drag queens play with my dad's beard.
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
