my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
I sometimes wonder how many of the girls I know have done anal...and why none of them have ever dated me.
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
We've only been here for 15 hours and our names are already on 2 separate police reports. We've also been given our "final warning" by the cops and hotel management.
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
Randomize
