I've already planned a drinking game for mtvs jersey shore....jagerbomb everytime they do
And now we have yet another reason to never travel to Detroit
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
Guuuuurrrrrl! He ate the 🌮like it contained the Covid-19 vaccine!
Randomize
