Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
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