You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
I just sat through a State Farm mortgage Insurance commercial to watch a Trick Daddy video. Is this the target audience they are going for here?
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
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