I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
This is the most boring acid ever. I feel like a child. But thats okay, I've been a child before, its nothing new.
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
We should have a mid-burrito sex-break, too. Just so we don't get too full all at once
Good point.
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
Just opened my sisters laptop to "cute places to lose my virginity" googled last
Randomize
