Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
I just gift wrapped bread.
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
Randomize
