my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
I slept with him because his girlfriend should know better than to be with him given is reputation. It was like sex and a lesson all in one.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
Watching boy meets world, drinking left over pink panty droppers and coloring in a my little pony coloring book. This is my Monday night
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
I yelled at your uterus for you.
Randomize
