I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
Also on a more serious note, what says pull my hair more: straight or soft curls?
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
Wtf. So apparently this 5 star establishment doesn't allow strip putt putt in the parking lot. We all just got kicked out of our rooms.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
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