Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
you were the other women for BOTH people in the relationship?
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
Randomize
