He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
Randomize
