What would a frattoo be? Maybe like the Chinese symbol for Keystone Light.
my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
dude she has hot friends.. do you want blonde brunette or red head.. maybe asian?
what is this build-a-bear? .. just gimme one thats breathing
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
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