Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
Kings cup with teenagers tonight
Done deal
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
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