You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
He is like the real live version of the state fair..
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
Dude she pregamed for her sorority's philanthropy.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
