I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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