Riding a fattie is like riding a scooter, its ok just not in public.
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
Between the dance party in the car and the distraction of the momma bear and two cubs im a cops wet dream roght now when comes to wreckless driving.
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
I won't apologize to a one balled man
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
Randomize
