I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip
whats a bus flip?
idk but apparently i invented it
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
Randomize
