____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
Sometimes I find that I've been touching my boob(s) without even realizing it.
i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
no it was not a "magical experience". After we dropped, he just sat there staring at my laptop going "apple makes beautiful things".
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
sigh, if only his dick was as big as his mouth
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
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