My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
Your topless pictures make me question reality
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
I am high. And my mom surpised me today. Now i am high and with my mom....bad idea
Randomize
