In the future we'll all be gay
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
i dont remember how or why, but i now have 3 coupons for a free BJ from Anise stapled to my right arm.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
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